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Biggest Corporate Profits Ever? We’re All Rich!


Biggest Corporate Profits Ever? We're All Rich!The Way We Live Now: better than ever before. Ever ever ever! Burn your overflowing excess supply of $100 bills to celebrate the fact that we’ve just had the best quarter of corporate profits ever. Everyone is rich! Except Velma.

It’s true, friends: “American businesses earned profits at an annual rate of $1.659 trillion in the third quarter…That is the highest figure recorded since the government began keeping track over 60 years ago.” Wowza! That’s enough for every man, woman and child in the USA to get $5,500, free and clear! Pay off those debts! Stimulate the economy with silly putty purchasing! Or blow it on blow! It’s all for us, the proud Americans—proud of our businesses, the richest in the world!

So…we haven’t seen that $5,500 check yet, but as soon as we get it in the mail we’ll be celebrating along with everyone else. All you white shoe lawyers who got your bonuses today, the rest of America will be joining you in your fancy dining establishment shortly! All you “just in time consumers” who’ve been holding back on purchasing, prepare to clean out the stockrooms of department stores from coast to coast! You’ll be able to buy all of J. Crew just for your lonesome! Before you know it, Bhutan will be knocking on your door for an investment!

It’s all very exciting!

The only person who has to suffer for our sins: Velma Hart, the lady who became famous for a day after telling President Obama she was getting tired of defending him. Now she’s unemployed. Connected? We’re not saying. We’re just saying.

Velma, your mistake was not believing in American capitalism hard enough. You get unemployed on the same day that the rest of us are going to get rich, sharing in the profits of the American corporations that we all make possible! Capitalism worked out after all! As soon as that check hits the mailbox, I’m digging up Karl Marx—and killing him again! USA!

[Photo: Eric Skiff]

Send an email to Hamilton Nolan, the author of this post, at Hamilton@gawker.com.

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